Out of the Box

My book club, in an unexpected departure from its usual fare of grim tales in various countries, recently read Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute.  This popular business book offers valuable insights about how interpersonal dynamics impact company performance.

It's a simple story about about an executive who attracts the attention of the CEO by behaving badly to a subordinate.  There isn’t anything special about the executive: he’s a middle-aged workaholic with marital problems who alternately cajoles and bullies his team.  He means well enough but his position has given him an inflated sense of entitlement that leads him to believe he is justified in treating others as inferiors. 

The CEO calls him in for an emergency, all-day meeting to point out the error of his ways and put him on the path of 'out of the box' thinking that has made the company so successful. If you can rise above a natural skepticism that a CEO would spend hours explaining basic courtesy to an executive who should know better, Leadership and Self-Deception raises several points worth considering about organisational behavior.

The first point is that when we treat others poorly, we also tend to dislike them in order to justify our own behavior.  That’s where the self-deception comes in: we tell ourselves it’s about them when it’s really about us.

The second point is that the people around you react to how you feel about them rather than how you behave.  In other words, your outward behavior can be impeccable but feelings of dislike, jealously, or superiority will nonetheless shine through – palpable like an electrical charge - and influence how others respond. 

The third point is that to improve your relationship with someone, you first have to change your feelings toward them.  This doesn’t mean you have to like everyone, just see them as someone with the same basic needs and rights you have.  From that starting point, you can begin to have more positive interactions with others.

This is especially important for leaders, whose underlying attitudes impact cross-functional alignment, team dynamics and organisational effectiveness.  In fact, how people behave toward each other at work – i.e. as rivals or as colleagues – is the foundation of company culture and has a broader impact on performance than traditional rewards. 

So this holiday season, why not take the opportunity to reward those around you with kindness, appreciation and a positive attitude.  Here are a few tips for creating more positive interactions:

1. Assume the best - Assuming the best - even if you’re dead wrong - can give you the confidence and positive energy you need to inspire a more positive response in others.
2. Be grateful – So many people have helped you get to where you are today, not always in obvious ways.  Appreciate what you have learned from them and let the rest go.
3. Be kind - You don’t have to like everyone but you can be authentic  and well-intentioned in your interactions.   
4. Be helpful - Helping others helps create purpose in the workplace and can also expose you to new friends, ideas, skills and opportunities.
5. Ask for help - No one can do everything alone, which is why the most successful people get lots of help.  They also remember to say thank you.
6. Be in the moment - Giving people your full attention rather than planning your next remark helps build an authentic interaction.
7. Stay open - The world is full of people, ideas and opportunities.  Don’t get so caught up in a difficult situation that you miss out. 
8. Be confident – Confident people have nothing to prove and don’t feel threatened by others’ success or negative behavior. 
9. Have faith – Things have a funny way of working out for people with a positive attitude.  Be ready for that open door.

And remember, everyone around you struggles to get along every day.  Cut them - and yourself - some slack.

Happy holidays!

Laura Schroeder is EMEA product marketing director at Workday, headquartered in Pleasanton, CA.  She has nearly fifteen years of experience envisioning, designing, developing, implementing and  evangelizing global Human Capital Management (HCM) solutions and holds a  certificate in Strategic Human Resources Practices from Cornell University.  Her articles and interviews on HCM topics have been published in the US, Europe and Asia.  She lives in Munich, Germany and enjoys cooking, reading, writing, kick boxing (well, kicking things) and spending time with friends and family. If you want to read more from Laura, check out her talent management blog Working Girl or follow her on Twitter @WorkGal. 

Comments

[E. James (Jim) Brennan]

Thanks, Laura, for reminding us that excessive demonization exists in the workplace as well as in the broader global society. Yes, blaming the victim is extremely popular everywhere. It's much easier to mistreat a dehumanized target. And then any residual shame over committing the abuse frequently creates another cycle of self-deceiving rationalization to further justify the past offense. You can never forgive someone you have wronged without condemning yourself. That's hard for most folks to do.

There's a fine line involved in what you recommend, Laura. I have frequently worked with (over and under and besides) people I disliked. But being unable to "like" them never prevented me from being able to treat them with respect, civility and good will. Difficult to act very warmly towards some repulsive folks, I must admit, but nonjudgmental neutrality is a lot better than coldness or hostility.

[Jacqueline Menzek]

Interesting view of both sides of the story - appreciate this "reminder" for me and all others.
Happy and respectful 2015 Laura!