Female Overcommitment Is Not Rewarded

Women work differently than men.  One major difference leads to much mutual frustration because neither gender fully understands the viewpoint of the other. I have always called it female overcommitment.  It is rarely observed in men but frequently occurs among the hardest working and most unappreciated women.  The closest similar male behavior comes from the founding fathers of organizations; but their dedication to the well-being of their enterprises is generally recognized, prized and rewarded.  Not so for the female victims of this widely misunderstood syndrome.

Background:  Although controversy is no stranger to me, I have always carefully refrained from openly discussing this topic and thus exposing one of my longest held theories about women and work.  While unafraid of appearing sexist to those who know my distinguished history of comparable worth pay equity activism, strangers to my lifetime body of work could easily dismiss my admittedly purely subjective comments here as the erratic musings of a misogynist.  Again, not so, although I will admit to moments of erratic behavior. 

My professional friend Suzette Haden Elgin confirmed in a personal meeting what I had long observed.  Women are socialized in a unique manner even in traditional enlightened Western cultures.  Little boys and little girls are usually raised with distinctly different behavioral expectations.  Look at what is generally taught as the standard societal roles of each sex.

Men:

• defend and protect
• obey instructions
• handle designated responsibilities
• complete assignments and achieve specific objectives
• receive praise for exercising initiative and doing more than required

Women:

• nurture and cherish
• respond to needs
• are responsible for everything
• must make everyone happy
• are criticized for acting outside the limits of their jobs

A guy completes his list of tasks, then retires to the man cave for a beer and a game on TV; but the woman is expected to continue to toil indefinitely, sacrificing her time for family welfare until absolutely nothing remains undone.  The female role -- to please everyone -- is an impossible task.  Granted, these are broad generalizations with limited examples, but hey ... this is a blog article!

Human resources professionals who deal with distributing compensation rewards come into constant contact with the many victims of self-imposed female overcommitment.  I have found them in every type of organization:  government agencies, military units, major universities, multinational conglomerates, regular corporations, private companies, neighborhood businesses, charities and foundations ... literally anywhere women work. They are typically upset with their employer, frustrated by the organization's lack of appropriate appreciation for their dedication.  Even when paid on the high side of their job's earning range, they still rage at what they see as unreasonable limits on their continual attempts to go the extra mile ... to fix those nagging low-priority problems ... to spread their arms to encompass uncompleted (or badly done) tasks dropped dismissively by others (typically men).  "He doesn't LET me do what is needed!" is the war cry of the excessively over-committed woman. It is usually a guy who blocks their constant attempts to do too much. 

Their male bosses just don't get it.  They only see workers straying beyond their boundaries of authority.  Following the male method learned from the crib and reinforced in every social situation throughout their lives, they attempt to constrain the female determined to do what is "not her job."  The bewildered women guilty of this offense have similarly absorbed the very different lesson that they are supposed to fix whatever is wrong.  THAT is their self-perceived real job description. 

Overcommited women find it virtually impossible to accept my usual advice:  Just do your job.  You care more than they do, so take pride and comfort in your superior occupational dedication that goes far beyond the required or even appreciated work output standards.  He doesn't WANT you to do so much, work so hard or care so deeply.  The intensity of your concern about the welfare of your employer is unhealthy for you exactly because it is unappreciated.  Don't expect to be rewarded for doing what they don't want done.  In fact, anticipate correction, criticism or punishment for exceeding your boss's expectations.

Female managers who respond in the "male" manner are exceptions.  They will prosper in the workplace.  Am I right or not?

E. James (Jim) Brennan is a total rewards advisor with extensive multi-industry corporate HR and consulting experience.  Past Compensation Editor of the Personnel Journal and last Senior Associate of pay surveyor ERI, he is consulting again. Author of the Performance Management Workbook, and frequent expert witness in executive compensation trials, Jim also serves on the Advisory Board of the Compensation and Benefits Review.

"Frustrated Woman at Computer With Stack of Paper" image by Goldi Bajpai, courtesy of Creative Commons

Comments

[Maxwell]

interesting line of thought. like to see some research. some women i have known spend a lot of time with mom on the phone and with their kids' after school activities. perhaps you are repeating stereotypes? most women would deny the trait exists to seem more like men? thought provoking point. thanks for posting.

[E. James (Jim) Brennan]

Dr. Elgin cited her academic research coupled with decades as a labor relations mediator, typically between female-dominated occupations like nurses and teachers confronting male senior managements. My last link embedded in "Am I right" showed more published research. My personal observations were primarily of workplace behaviors rather than telephone mom-chats and kid extracurricular activities.

Female comments are more relevant than anything a guy could say, anyway.

[Jamie]

I always enjoy your thought-provoking posts Jim. I am a woman and couldn't agree more. I feel like my list is never done (at home and at work). As soon as I've finished one task, I noticed several other things that need "fixing" and get to work, even though nobody asked or expected it. I think your advice is sound for women reporting to men, but what about overcommitted women reporting to other overcommitted women?

[Molly]

I found out for myself many years ago that there is truth to this. Once I allowed myself to do "enough" and not care so much, I have found almost an inner peace - and I am more successful than I think I've ever been. I have counseled some of my female leaders to find a way to stop over-committing and over-caring. It is definitely a difficult thing to do! But, I do believe they will be happier and even more productive, in a way, if they can do this.

[E. James (Jim) Brennan]

Thank you both so much for speaking up. Especially value any agreement from someone sharing my family nickname (not you, Molly ;-) !

Self-deluded souls reporting to enablers seem doomed, in my regretful opinion. Perhaps subsequent psychiatric treatment after their breakdown will help if first reading this short expose does not break the self-destructive habit. BTW, manipulative men are apt to exploit this female weakness, taking credit for the unauthorized value received while punishing the benefactor when more convenient.

Let all women who agree say so HERE. Molly gives wonderful advice. Please share this with all who suffer, in order to slay this dragon! Maybe even a few intelligent men could learn something new, too.

[Karen Kervick]

I believe it is in our female nature to be the "gatherers". Hence we find more and more things to get done. However, we have choices to make and I believe the focus should be on learning to make the choice to do the work which will bring the most reward first, then if there is time complete the "nice to have" tasks.

There is a saying to the effect "just because you do something well, doesn't mean you should do it." You could be wasting time even if you accomplish a task well. Choosing the best tasks will bring greater reward and recognition. And balancing your work and personal lives will keep you from becoming resentful. This applies to both men and women.

Interesting point about the overcommitted woman reporting to the overcommitted woman - I'm thinking "Devil Wears Prada" example, if you can't change the devil, move on for your own sake!

[E. James (Jim) Brennan]

Cogent observations, Karen! The debate between nature and nurture is endless, but we each have our own particular responses to stimuli. Can't change them unless we understand them.